The Jetblack Zone

So today was supposed to be my last day of work for the week. Turns out that these undeciding bastards (the people who run the building, that is) kept changing the times for us to start our work. It got pushed back an hour to 4pm, then it got pushed again back to our regular clock-in time of 4:50pm.

And it looked like the business folks weren't quite through with their day just yet.

But it looks like there is work to be done tommorrow too...but here's the thing. Some of us has to come in and some of us don't. Once the work is finished the person can go right on home. Now even though my floors won't be affected by this, I'm still coming in tommorrow (normal hours agian but can go home the moment the work is finished) to help only two people in the bathroom crew. Just two...then I'm out of there for the thanksgiving weekend. The reason I'm coming is becuase I need the cash and that one of them prayed for me last week to get alot of confidence in myself.

That means this dude from pso-world I recently met won't get to see my face tommorrow, but friday.

However I'm still going to that dentist I've been visiting for months tommorrow becuase there is still work to be done where the root canal took place. Seems like he didn't get all of it, as an X-Ray from another place pointed out. Now this is gonna be interesting becuase I don't have to pay for it through my insurance (which reduced coverage of my dential plans now), and if Dr. Burt doesn't go through with his unfinished work....I smell my first ever lawsuit!! Keep an eye on this with me.

Oh and I'm still getting that haircut from my sister too. Just...a little later.

The rotten asshole hasn't said shit to me lately, but is still treating Beth like shit. And the landlord Jack is starting to show his lack of caring too. How many times must I keep calling him only to never get a call back and rarely picks up right away? He hasn't done shit about the jackass, and he hasn't even responded about the broken dryer now!!

He's gonna make people like me and Beth move out of here very soon if this keeps up.

I'm just feeling bitchy right now and only a female can turn it around.

Alright, now I know for sure what will happen with my work schedule for the thanksgiving week. I'll only be working on monday and tuesday, where the 2nd day I have to come in early before 3pm and leave around 7pm I'm assuming. I'll be off the rest of the week and I can use the extra days off to do something for myself.

Tommorrow I'll be getting a haircut. I know it doesn't look like alot on my head, but I look much better without much hair on my head. After visiting my sister for that I'll stop by my grandmother's for a bit.

Monday I'll be seeing a dentist at that clinic my grandmother went to about 3 weeks ago to get her teeth checked. The appointment is at 11am so that means I'll be out of bed early that morning! >_< But you know...I gotta start planning on waking up earlier and sleeping earlier at night. I'll get to that later.

Tuesday I'm going to social securty so they can see one of my two pay stubs for this month. I hope I can find the other one in this room so I can have both!

Wednesday...I dunno. I'm thinking about visiting an area I grew up in just for some of the good memories I got from it. Maybe I see someone still living there and probably doesn't remember me now? I know there's been changes in the Parkside Apartments area years after I left. I also want to visit the creek that me and some friends used to visit often. Should make for a great experince. That's probably all I'll do and come back home.

Thursday I'll be with my father's side of the family (who hasn't returned my phone calls yet) for thanksgiving like every year. It'll be interesting to see if my father has finally turned the corner away from his inner demons that costed him his house and me moving away from him.

Friday I have no clue. It's black friday, but I can't be apart of that. I don't have alot of money at the moment...hell I never seem to these days. The same is true for saturday and sunday too!


I have decided I'm gonna learn how to drive and figure out how to improve my credit in hopes of getting a decent credit card. And you know something else?

My landlord Jack doesn't seem to be doing shit about the asshole Kerwin. While he's all the way out in Arnold, Maryland collecting money from us for rent and not returning phone calls most of the time...Kerwin contuines to make life hard for Beth in this house and his attitude has hit a new low.

Now he's threating to hurt her cat if it got out of the basement again! And has the nerve to lie about not making such a threat and calling her crazy! Now keep in mind he's already been at it with me over shit too, and it's gotten to the point where the bastard should've been kicked out of this house long ago! My PEP case manager told me that, and now one of my family members are saying the same thing. The sad part is, the other guy living here, Linwood, doesn't know about any of this shit. While Rick (the case manager) suggested we have a meeting, I realize now that it will never happen and this jackass won't bother siting in a living room with three other people discussing this entire thing. This guy gives no shit about any one of us in this house except for himself and his possessions. He'll call Beth a name, threaten to kill her cat, etc etc and try to punk me out too. I didn't move away from my father's BS to deal with more BS from someone I hardly even know and a sick fucked up human being!

And for Jack to hardly do shit about this guy...seeing as he lives in the fucking county these days....has made my patience run out. Right now my grandmother and my 2nd oldest sister know about this. But many others in my family will know too over the next few days and perhaps even offer me a place to stay if needed. I've had it with Kerwin. The bitch should've been kicked out like 3 months ago yet he's still there and Jack hasn't really done shit to put him in his place. Do you want to live with a loser who will go nuts on you if you EVEN LOOK AT HIM THE WRONG WAY becuase he can't get over being rejected by a lesbian!? I sure don't, so get ready for a potential change of address very soon.

It's time I take what I want my future to be one step at a time. And notice I didn't bring up my issue with finding real friends or a female relationship in this entry until right now?

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Brian
Birthday:	October 2 1982
Birthplace:	Baltimore
Current Location:	Baltimore
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Black
Height:	5'6
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right Handed
Your Heritage:	No comment
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Um..black shoes purchased from payless
Your Weakness:	socializing
Your Fears:	Singing and roller coasters
Your Perfect Pizza:	Extra Cheese, Bacon, Black Olives, Mushrooms
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Driver's Licence
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	I don't know
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Will today be the day I find a female in my life?
Your Best Physical Feature:	Eyes
Your Bedtime:	Watching a videogame speedrun in bed
Your Most Missed Memory:	Being with a female
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Burger King (to creator, it's spelled 'McDonald's'
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	Never
Do you Swear:	yes
Do you Sing:	Too afraid to do it
Do you Shower Daily:	Of course
Have you Been in Love:	Too many times...
Do you want to go to College:	No becuase they're 'suspect'
Do you want to get Married:	Yes
Do you belive in yourself:	Half the time
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no
Do you think you are Attractive:	Not quite
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	No
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Not at all
Do you play an Instrument:	Never played one with much success
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	No
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Nope
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Lots of times
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Never
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Oh no, keep me away from that
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:	.....no comment
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Can't swim
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Nope
Ever been Drunk:	Never
Ever been called a Tease:	Huh?
Ever been Beaten up:	No comment
Ever Shoplifted:	...once
How do you want to Die:	Of old age AFTER I've been married with one or two children
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	A husband
What country would you most like to Visit:	Japan
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Any
Favourite Hair Color:	Any
Short or Long Hair:	Long
Height:	Same or taller
Weight:	Doesn't matter
Best Clothing Style:	Anything that is classy and traditional
Number of Drugs I have taken:	One, the sleeping pills
Number of CDs I own:	None
Number of Piercings:	None
Number of Tattoos:	None
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	More than the number of fingers on both human hands
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

And I'm not refering to a movie. I'm refering to what happened from the meetup at the library on saturday. I had no expectations and I was nervous as I walked into this recently built library. Up on the 2nd floor I had no trouble finding the little conference area where I met Eric (also known as Laz) and some other people. A quick introduction and wasted no time letting them know I'm looking for some friends in my life. And I found them, well...one...but I did what I needed to accomplish.

We had social discussions about anime, videogames...where one guy just shat all over the mario series despite bringing up some good points against the series. We even got to watch a live action movie...which I forgot the name of but it was one of those japanese drama/action flicks. As the library was closing the meetup was ending....but the new experince wasn't over yet. I wanted to tag along with eric at his place and I did. The guy lives not that far from patterson park!!

He has a wonderful house which I want to live in someday. 3 rooms, one where me and him and another guy named Ed hung out at. We ate pizza, they watched a movie and poor eric played Sonic 2006 on his PS3. We watched MMA to cap out the night.

It was one of the best days I've had in such a long time, and with REAL friends for once. So this all worked out great, I got my confidence back, I have one of many true real life friends to come, and I'm glad it all worked out.

I have a good feeling where to take my life from here. And let me tell you something, I will not let some doucebag asshole room mate, some idiots at work, or anyone else try and knock my ass down again like they've done recently. I say bring it the fuck on! I feel energized about life again. I feel like I can take on the world now!!

And thank you Jelle for being there with me throughout that entire experince. Cheering me on like a cute fairy cheerleader...if there is such a thing.

Last night was the last straw with Kerwin...the asshole room mate I've been bringing up in these entries lately.

Here I am in the kitchen using my own frying pan and Beth's spatula (since she said I can use her items as long as I clean them), when this doucebag walks in and gets something out of the fridge. Then the jerk had the nerve to ask me if I was using his frying pan with a threatening voice and I'm like "huh...I'm using mine". Then he slams a cabinet shut and verbally attacks me for saying "huh" to him AS IF HE IS MY BOSS OR FATHER OR SOMETHING in the most immature manner possible.

I was so pissed off, that I walked upstairs with my food and told him not to threaten me like that again.

Then the doucebag blew a fuse and banged on my door and calling me stupid. So that's when I called the landlord Jack and I got to talking to him about this.

He then wanted to talk to the doucebag who by the way HAS NO JOB, HAS NO CELL PHONE, GOES TO SOME PROGRAM OR WHATEVER, GETS COMPLETELY PARANOID IF ONE OF HIS ITEMS WAS USED (despite taking one of my trash bags and using Beth's bathroom on purpose after claiming he doesn't bother no one's shit), AND DOES NOTHING AROUND THE HOUSE WHILE ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE IMMATURE DICK TO ME AND BETH!!!

So anyway, I had to give him my phone to talk to Jack and of course he snatches it out of my hand. Then he puts on this nice act trying to play innocent and I barely heard jack getting on him about using the basement bathroom which belongs to Beth and no one can use it but her. Apperantly the phone call was cut off and I couldn't get ahold of Jack again.

When I moved away from my father....it was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. I didn't get this far in my life to deal with a fucking horrible paranoid doucebag who treats me, Beth, maybe even Linwood (who would beat his ass), like feces while thinking he's god almighty! So Jack needs to do something about this guy ASAP OR I'M MOVING SOMEWHERE ELSE!! I'll live with my 2nd oldest sister, as much as I don't want to. I much rather live in a studio apartment alone that I can afford with my current budget...which I am defintly looking into starting today.

I thought room mates were suppose to help each other and keep the house straight and clean. No, not this doucebag, who cares about no one except himself and puts on a phony act when Jack or guests are around. I'm not gonna live like that, and it's gonna be him that goes OR I THAT GOES.

Well maybe some of you thought it wouldn't go a week. You were right. But I didn't even buy the food, it was my grandmother.

After going to a medical center with her, we went to a nice little place just a block from her apartment to get some food. She got a hamburger sub and I got a cheesesteak. I couldn't turn down her offer because I was hungry. But could it have ended earlier this morning...when I ate the free McDonald's breakfast sandwhich?

Ether way, it's over. However it doesn't mean I won't go back to eating fast food like I usually did. I believe that by eating it once in a while..maybe once every two weeks or something like that and when I really have no choice in a suituation. I think this is the right solution so...yeah.

Now I did say I was with my grandmother today...and, she actually boosted my confidence a little today. Not only did she treat me, but she also gave me $10 at a time where I really needed money.....the day before I get paid tommorrow! This is what my grandmother has always done for me....and it's time I do something for her too! She'll see that in the form of a christmas present.

And I'm starting to become very good friends with one room mate in this house....Beth. I'm also sticking up for her, especally after the shit the asshole Kerwin does with her (and now with me too). Also I've started to befriend two people at my program that I've known for some time.

Could this be another sign of a confidence boost? I don't know...I mean things could come crashing down as it always has before. But I gotta have some hope, even if the chances are very slim.

Can I do this? Can I really do this?? I can't eat any fast food....not even my favorites like chinese and pizza. Yes, subway too...but is it really fast food or not just because it's more healthy?

And I can't eat this stuff for 30 days. It's an experinment to see how much money I can save from it. I'm also hoping it'll make me adjust to eating fast food once a week.

It won't be easy, seeing as I have to eat something from home or someplace else during the month of november. I don't know if it'll help me lose any weight, but it'll be good to see how this all goes and how long it lasts.


Now on to other things. I have to see the therapist this tuesday at 1pm. Thursday I'll be with my grandmother in the morning...it's about my dential service, if I still have it. This is also a pay week for me.

And saturday around 2....I'll be at a library meeting an anime club. This is the first time I have attended such a thing, and I've been saying this will determine wether or not my confidence shoots up or stays where it is, and wether I contuine to be a loner or not.

Not a good friday at all. Started off decently....but it went to shit. The asshole room mate now keeps a mirror to himself in the bathroom. So now I can't use it to see myself shaving. Yeah what will Linwood say when he finds out it is missing? Then at work. The elevators decided not to work anymore because some fuckjob decided to do something involving smoke. Then tensions flared up with some of my co-workers.

Now I'm starting to feel better from the bus ride back home. I have $4 on me so why not get a happy meal with it? I do, but then a psychonut decides to shit on me for wearing my ravens gear....trying to start trouble and saying the team will lose on sunday.

All this week I've been pissed and irritated by somebody or something. Could this be some sign of my life? Does it mean I'll have this to deal with for a long time?

If that's the case...then I'll really have low expectations for this anime meet up thing next saturday. And then...if it's not successful, it's over. No more going out, no more giving a shit about relationships with females, just no more of it. A loner is what I will be and probably what I was meant for since it's been that way all the time. Doesn't mean I'll stop being online, but my presence online will increase if this path is chosen to me by fate.

Only an anime club meeting like the one I'll be going to at the library next saturday is gonna save whatever confidence I had left in me. And I'm not gonna let some asshole room mate or anyone get the best of me!!!

I have a room mate who is a... *points to title of post*

This guy is so fucking paraniod that he literaly keeps everything he has all to himself. Dishwashing liquid for example. Now silverware. After one little accidential scratch in a frying pan, he decided to take all of his silverware out of the kitchen closet and said in a note I won't fuck up his shit anymore.

Now I can't fry anything until I get my own silverware on my paycheck tommorrow.

But you know what this is just one of may things with him. He hates another room mate..Beth...so much just because she said "No" to his...advancement of her. He went so far as to not even answer the door when she forgot her key and kept banging at the door for 2 hours!! She had to get a locksmith...paying him $100 to unlock the damn thing!

This asshole also had the nerve to leave a note on my door one day calling me a 'dickhead' OVER FUCKING SHOWER CURTIANS BEING OPEN OR CLOSED!!!

The asshole, named Kerwin, won't say shit to my face or discuss anything to me about these things. Oh noo...he's gotta act like such an ass and so paraniod.

Isn't room mates suppose to stick together and help each other out? Not this guy..and why, because he showed his true immature colors JUST BECAUSE HE WAS TURNED DOWN BY BETH AS HE TRIED TO MAKE A MOVE ON HER!!! Now Jack (our landlord) knows about this and I don't think he's gonna stand for the asshole's behaivor towards others around here ether.

I know I'm not, and I understand that it's every man for themself. That's sad, especally when you live with someone who cares only about himself and the rest of his room mates mean shit to him.

That's why the other guy in this house...Linwood..is hardly home. I really believe that's the reason now. I mean Linwood is cool, he's always nice to me and Beth, and I never had an issue with him. I think he knows about Kerwins bitch attitude, and he's lucky to have a car and things to get away from this.

So ok, I'll play his fucking game. I'll just purchase my own pots and pans this weekend and you know what? Beth doesn't have these things herself...so to rub it in his face, I'll let her use my pots and pans too!!

I'm not gonna let some immature asshole like him make life difficult for me in this house, because oh by the way....THIS IS MY PLACE TOO. This is Beth's place as well. Oh and the space that is now emtpy from his silverware....IT WILL BE MINE NOW WHEN I GET MY POTS AND PANS!


Oh and in other news...my insurance stopped covering outside dental coverage. I already wrote on my facebook why this has happened so suddenly. Right at the top...

http://www.facebook.com/Squirrel3D

I don't give a shit anymore. Ether you like my views and support them, or you hate my views and don't support them and call me every name there is....lose respect for me...and not talk to me anymore!! Do the latter...I will not give two shits about you or worry about you. I move on with my life.

It's now clear to me that my views will bring nothing but enemies, nothing but aurgments, and nothing but friendships coming to an end. I don't even think I need the people I'm gonna be seeing on november 7 in a nearby library.

What I need are people who is seeing what the hell is really going on in america and around the world. People who see it simular to what I'm seeing, not the same way that I do. Those are gonna be the REAL friends I have.

This is one of the reasons I decided to finally break my nearly 8 year friendship with Aaron Botts. And I know he's not gonna be the only one on that list of people I break away from for good. I see the writing on the wall with some other people too, and they know who they are.

Like I said....november 7. I have zero expectations, no confidence, and no belief that this will work. I'll find out if I'm right when I go to the library and meet these unknown people.

I don't want to get on instant messenging like I used to. 3/4 of the people on it...I have little in common with anymore. The rest ether never comes on, never once IMed me, or when I IM them I get no answer at all like i never existed. That's why I rarely go on skype. And now, I'm starting to feel the same way about YIM, MSN, and especally AIM.

Let's see...Jelle, Leah, Amanda, some guy I met on a message board, rarely robby and anyone else...that's it. I can't talk about anything else other than videogames or anime with them because I'm not interested in 90% of the other stuff they are into!!! That's what I meant by having little in common anymore.

What the hell kind of person you all thought you would get out of me!? Sorry, I'm just not what you were expecting.

I'm fustrated with alot of shit right now...mind if I name a few?

- People WHO COULDN'T TELL ME ONE THING OUR NOOB PRESIDENT DID to earn the Nobel Peace prize. BigAl2k6/therantmastwer/whatever totally lost all respect I had for him by saying "well at least it wasn't bush". That's all he can say? Not one reason but that's all he can say? So I unsubscribed to him. Another one could be next too....

- Some co-workers don't take this job seriously. After everything our supervisors told us, it's like shit goes in one ear and out the other with some people. One of them who's on the batroom crew with me has been here longer than me, but she can't wipe her patitions everyday, can't put those little trash cans in the women's bathroom on propertly, but she'll sit down in some cases and EAT IN THE MIDDLE OF HER WORK!! Gee is there any wonder why you get sick and you always miss at least one day every week? She's fucking lazy, and my boss isn't standing for her BS anymore.

- How there are fucking so-called "environmentalists" still telling us we are cuasing global warming yet temperatures are falling and there's already snow in some parts of the country!! But when was the last time they said anything about littering....ehh?? Fucking hypocrites, hell they may be the biggest of all the psychonut hypocrites!

- Phantasy Star Universe and Sega's lack of attention on it. For all the "maintenance" they do every late night thursday, they can't fix what is my biggest issue with this game: THE CENSOR!! Try and type 'Sega' in the game...no..do it...seriously...it'll be censored! Simple words will be censored in this game. Sega can't fix this shit, but yet they'll throw us a bone with the latest Mission Spotlight. Our U.S. servers are nowhere close to Japan's, and even they're getting snubbed!! Then you got idiots in this game and their BS (well they're in all kinds of online gaming anyways), such as being booted from their parties JUST FOR NOT HAVING A FUCKING MIC!! Then there's others who think you're so irrelevant because your pallete isn't like theirs or your PA's isn't high enough like theirs etc etc etc etc!! Psychonutism right there. I've been thinking a few times on quitting this game.

- One of my room mates is a total jackass to another. Kerwin, he NEVER BOTHERED TO OPEN THE DOOR for Beth last night. Now here she is banging with her foot and he wouldn't lift a finger. She had to SPEND MONEY to get a locksmith to open the door. He hates her so much, that if she was coughing up blood and needed medical attention, he'd just stand there and watch her die. And why? Because she turned him down on a relationship offer. His immature nature seems to have hit me too one time. I came home from work and this guy left a note on my door calling me a 'dickhead'....OVER FUCKING SHOWER CURTAINS BEING OPEN OR CLOSED!! Now here I am, still new here, without any knowledge that he wanted the curtains opened or closed. Now I know why the other guy..Linwood, is hardly here most of the time. What he did to Beth last night....no..you don't do that. Aren't room mates supposed to help each other? This guy is just calling for himself to get kicked out of this place. I hope he does...cuz I'll get his room (it's bigger than mine, meaning more space for me!).

- My inablity to make a friend face to face. Last saturday I thought I had a decent chance to do so at a best buy. But I failed to pull the trigger because I was afraid I'd be rushing into a friendship. Can someone discuss this with me. I need to know what I'm doing wrong here and why I'm so afraid of rushing into things.


......yeah. It's been fustrating lately. What will it take to turn this horrible luck around?

I'm just gonna let it out. She can ether take what I'm saying and weep and never speak to me again, or she can use this to finally put some damn confidence into herself.

I'm talking about Jelle. For the past few months, everyday it's "I'm useless", "no one cares about me" "I'll never be happy" etc etc etc. Me and others kept trying to help her time after time after time again.

She's got these fake friends that don't give two shits about her and she just pretends to be something else in order to hang with them and not feel so lonely.

Won't stand up for herself...not even to me or anyone else she talks to on the internet.

Everytime I wanted to RP with her...WHEN I HAD THE FREE TIME...it always takes a backseat to her whining. She always says we're busy all the time...which is true for many of us. But whenever we get the time to talk to her, she never cheers up, never feels better, and contuies to go into that whining state of hers.

It's also because of this that I am no longer interested in RP. For example, we had a little scene in an RP where two characters had sex. Hell throughout our time RPing, I've always "pushed the evenlope". From bomb threats, to even pissing on someone's grave! Because it was HER RP too, she could've told me to tone it down and not do this or that. She never did....and then had to wait until a month or two later to finally tell me something.

So I kinda did the same today....and she pissed me off when she finally did what she should've done long ago.

The sex in the RP...no that's not the problem or the issue here. So what is it....her being pushed around, teased, letting people just do whatever the hell they want with her....and Jelle won't stand up for herself. Then she always tells me she's useless, blah, blah blah blah!

I'm getting tired of it. The whining, not standing up for herself, having to be something she's not in front of a bunch of jackasses. It's making me lose my patience for her. I'm not gonna keep dealing with this every damn day. I'm not gonna be putting some things off anymore so that I can prevent her from cutting herself or some shit. I'm not gonna do this anymore.

Jelle..I know you are reading this. If you want to make yourself and your life much better, you need to start standing up for yourself.

- You need to start telling these jackasses to treat you and accept you for who you are, or you're gonna leave them. And if the latter happens...go find some REAL friends to hang out with. You won't get them by sitting in front of the damn computer all the time. And don't bring my suituation up...cuz you got more to gain from this than I do considering your age, your personality, etc.

- You need to stop telling yourself, me, leah, amanda, whoever, what you are nothing and you shouldn't exist.

- You need to start talking to your parents more and more...as long as it takes....about what goes through your mind and how you feel and your lack of confidence. If they don't want to hear what you have to say and help you deal with your problems (like all good parents should do)....then they are part of the problem!

- Don't be afraid to tell people about you and who you are. They don't like it or 'offended' that you are different from them...THEY CAN DROP DEAD FOR ALL YOU OR I CARE.

- Finally....go out more often, please.


I want to see this from you not when you turn 18, not next year, not next month, not next week, not the next day, BUT RIGHT NOW. If you can't do this, then you'll be losing alot more than just friends.....

YOU'LL BE LOSING YOURSELF, FOREVER.


Think of me as you want. Block me. Tell me I'm horrible. Whatever. I've had this building up since I began to lose my patience with you and how all the times I've had free time with you kept being squashed because you kept whining about how useless you are. Harsh..yes. Blunt..yes. But for a very good reason. Someone had to finally let this out, guess it was me.

These are the games I need to play and beat:

Burnout Paridise

Fable 2

Command and Conquer 3

Super Mario Galaxy

Dead or Alive 4

Gears of War

Megaman 9


And the majority of these are on the Xbox 360!!!


I just can't buy a new console game without beating these first. Gotta take care of what I have.

Well who would've thought that the building I work in will be closed this monday? See had I worked anywhere else for alliance other than the William Donald Schaefer Building in downtown baltimore, I'd still be coming to work.

Which gives me an idea for Monday....how bout I see my old co-workers (who I worked extremly better with than who I have now) at UMBC?? Catch up on old times. Get Kenny's number again on my cell phone!! >_<

Now as for today and tommorrow....well I hope I can get a replacement vaccum (I do have the warrenty) today. I really need it because the current one doesn't work right and the accessories are missing. You can thank my marajuana-smoking father and his dumbass decision to keep Barbara's dog in my former home for this. Yes, the crazy psycho pooch (who'd get along with Leah's Buddy) destoryed the vac's accessories!

Also today I'm getting a new Headset/Headphones. The one I had for a while started giving me audio problems for 2 days now because of an exposed wire. I haven't been able to fix it despite my efforts...so, I'll be listening to whatever and doing voice chats with a new one.

I need to see Barbara because she has a coat to give me. I hope it's a pretty good one with lots of pockets.

And finally...red lobster! What was suppose to be me and mike, will now be...just me. He wanted to save his money because we'll have 3 days off next month from work (remember, we don't get paid for days off) so I guess I can't blame him. I'm wanting to save money as well and go an entire month without fast food. I haven't eaten at that restuarant in forever, and it's my late birthday dinner.


Now sunday....oh I dunno. Probably stay home and clean up all day. Of course I have Jelle and the others to keep me company (or in her case, to keep her lots of company). I hope the Ravens win their game against the Bengals (leah and amanda is from their area but they don't like football).

And then monday other than seeing old co-workers I have nothing else to do.


So there you have it folks! Oh I need to do two videos for youtube during this weekend!

I'm sure some of you have seen an entry from me earlier saying I didn't give a shit about my birthday and meeting people and such.

I deleted it because I felt bad about it. And I'm sorry to leah if she was hurt by my words too.

However, I did say I will do things my way...I shall do it. And I cannot worry about not having friends f2f or having a relationship. I can't be with a woman if I can't even be with any friends in real life! If it happens, great. If not then I was destined to be a loner. That's just how I feel about it.

I'm gonna contuine to be myself, to think outside the box, to be my own person. And if anyone doesn't like it, fuck them. That's the approch I will take from here on out in year 27.

One person I talked to last night kept telling me to think positive. I can't do that all the time and expect results. Instead, I'll just have an open mind.

Look, I work during the weekday. I watch anime, play games, talk to some important people on the internet. So it's not like I can go out all the time. I just don't have any high expectations going into year 27.

I would like to learn how to drive a car though. That's something I look forward to doing in the 27th year of my life.

So...yeah...

I made Gamingstuff 9 better than before. And I did it all last night! Now it's defintly ready for your listening pleasure. Here are two links....for downloading my 18th Gametunes Projects, and an updated FAQs with this projects infomation. Enjoy!!


GaS9: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=WQ6PNCDW

FAQs: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=KVCPVXOI

"It's hard to believe it, but I am a loner. Other than people over the internet and a co-worker...I don't have any friends in real life."

That's what I just told two girls....two of three people that I still talk to from Ohio these days. It's true, and if you witnessed me all day today....you'll understand. I went into Barne's and Noble....no one in the manga section. I had my head down the whole time. Even a person I met in my program a cuple years ago wasn't at her home today....so I couldn't get the home number and I couldn't suprise rebecca.

And what did I see mostly...cuples...cuples...cuples...CUPLES!! Lots of them. Same race cuples. Bi-racial cuples. Even one metrosexual dude and a woman. My self confidence...downward spiral.

One guy on the bus with an independant mindset just like me...but he had to get off at his stop so I hardly got to talk to him. Yeah...wrong place, wrong time. That's always what happens no matter who I try to meet and befriend. And it was raining all day. I was walking in it. The rain and the cool air and the wind seem to have fit my mood.

Now I understand how Jelle feels. I have no friends in real life. I'm really thinking about searching websites for local events to meet new people. Yeah I met Amanda and Leah, but only twice. Julie...just three days with her and her ex-roomie back in July. Josh aka TheSaneRelevation....50 seconds and a picture.

How the fuck can I find anyone to befriend who has an independant mindset? I'm always looked over or don't even exist to other people...because I'm different. Seems like only the anime convention was my big chance, and it worked...but it was just a convention. The Otakon message board...hmm...perhaps I can post a big "real life friends wanted" thread there?

Worth a shot.

So yeah.....I'm a loner. I'm not the average person, I'm not the mainstream person, I'm not the casual person, and I'm not even a talker about anything outside of my own likes/dislikes most of the time.

What happens now, I don't know. If I was destined to be a loner....so be it. If I wasn't meant to be anyone's real life friend, oh well.

Directv just couldn't wait til tommorrow when I pay the 2nd half of their bill could they? No, they decided to cut the service today. This is the first time that any of my services have been cut off due to a late bill. If you wanna blame something, blame social securty for giving me that damn run around with the checks and knowing I'm working etc etc etc. But as I said, I will pay it tommorrow with my job paycheck. So even though I'll miss the 2nd week of the ultimate fighter (*gasp, he's watching a reality show!?*), the temperary loss of directv will only last a few more hours. At least Sprint didn't do this with my cell phone. Yep, gotta pay that too tommorrow. Again blame social securty on why I couldn't pay it in time.

But just as those two are getting taken care of, my Xbox 360 decides to die on me...via the infamous Red Ring of Death. Here I was set to finally play my copy of Gears of War tommorrow, and a new 2-week event comes out in Phantasy Star Universe that I'll miss out. Sending the system in tommorrow.

Whatever I did with my router to get my PSP connected better to the internet won't let my other devices connect. Great....gotta find out what's up on the router's site!!

Still dealing with this stupid illness BTW. But since I'm getting paid tommorrow, I got something for this thing...mhahahahaha!

Oh, remember that dating program..Connections....that called me up this week? It turns out that this is a big time dating program that costs...quite alot of money. $200 entry....$50 a year. From what the guy tells me, they do alot of activites together. They'll even shoot a video about you and just tons of other things. While it sounds like something that'll help me finally live this dream of mine...I just can't afford it though. Sorry. But...it looks like I'm back where I started again in the quest for love.

At least one girl in the UK wants to be with me. Problem is, she's in another country, and you know how my last two online relationships ended up and how it has affected me mentally up to this point. (As you know, I've been staying locally to give me a higher chance with long term love due to the iffyness of 90% online relationships) She means well and I believe her and all, but...given what the last two long-distance females did to me (even after meeting them face to face!!)....I'm a little iffy on this one. Maybe she'll end up flying over here to stay with me. Believe me I want her to be the love of my life. I dunno. I just...I just want my dream of one lady in my life that I'll love forever to come true!! I hope when she reads this she doesn't take it the wrong way. It's just, I think we should slow down in our feelings and get to know more and more about each other before taking the extra steps.

(And no that girl isn't Jelle. She lives in The Netherlands and she's not legal....yet, this girl lives near her in the UK and is even older than me. I've never had an older girl have feelings for me...ever. Well she sure does!)

Please don't ask me about it. This is something I need to do for myself and can only keep the details to myself as well.

Yes, this thursday by 11am in fact. Looks like they saw my little sign up last week, and out of nowhere they decide to call me up. Looks like I'll be seen by some...um...one of their people. They'll be asking me all kinds of questions....and this should be an extremly, opinionated, little session they'll give me.

I think I have a good idea that I'll be set up with the wrong girl, so I'll keep that in mind as I answer their questions.

But will most of this illness be gone by then? I don't think so....I'm still dealing with the coughing, the congestion. Talk about timing...and as if that wasn't enough...

Sega decides to give a new event to Phantasy Star Universe for 2 weeks, and it starts this friday. Now here I am trying to get over an illiness, and I'm just getting started on games like Super Mario Galaxy and Gears of War, now I got this dating issue (there's even a girl..29...in the UK that said she likes me!) taking place, and Sega decides to throw this damn bone at me!! I haven't even tried zOMG on Gaia yet!!

Oh ho ho ho...so much going on. So little time. One thing leads to another it seems. I ask for one girl to spend my life with, and I get someone who lives close to Jelle and some dating group wanting me to see them.

*swirly eyes*

The orioles lost at the game me and Mike went to. But that wasn't the story though....all day my throat started to bother me more and more and more. After the game, it took me and mike an hour to wait for a damn #15 bus so that I see him get on it and get back to his place. He didn't want to take his car down to camden yards for fear of being charged for parking around the ballpark.

After he went home, I'm almost gagging with this horrible throat pain as I knew then that I was sick. I'm for sure I got it from one of my damn co-workers on friday!!

So I'm walking home, thinking about some advice a guy with a wife and kids told me about looking for a girl. I walk past "The Block" (an area of downtown baltimore with all the adult XXX places), with a guy from one of the places encouraging me to go in one of them. I wanted to say to one of them "sure but only if one of those ladies wanted to get in a relationship with me", but I didn't because I was dealing with the throat and the phlem extractions! I was sure it costed money to go in one of those places too. This is something I got to talk to amanda and leah about.....

As I walked past there, I saw some 'bouncy' gal coming from one of the places and I couldn't help but look. But then I said to myself "I would want to be with a girl like that, but only if she gives up that lifestyle to settle down". I'm seroius, and I know what girls who like to 'party' or work in those XXX establishments or have that kind of mentality are like (I've been with a 'party' girl before, Liz)....so don't tell me I know what I'm talking about!!

No I will not be with a girl who is just gonna go out and party all the time or work the rest of her life stripping to her bare skin to make a buck. She can say she loves a guy one minute, but give some other guy a blowjob behind his back the next minute (unforently Megan fell to that mentality and...).

This also takes me to my two cousins Annette and Cassandra, and my 2nd oldest sister Barbara. Look I don't give a damn if they get upset at me posting this!!

- Cassandra, the younger sister of the two cousins, has always been the one who...let's just say...pushes the evenlope on her own psychonutism. Today she's a mess. Her poor son has to see his mother always leaving him to 'party' all the time! She's an ignorant psuedo-slut who had the fucking nerve to say "it runs in the family" after my grandmother asked her why she's doing what her own mother as well as my mother and other adults did when we were younger. She hates me deep down inside. Hates who I am and what I have become. Just looking at her now sickens me. She has no REAL man in her life, and she refuses to settle down with that child of hers.

- The same can be said for the older Annette though in a bit lesser way. She's not a psuedo-slut (not these days, she used to be back then), but she still has that same ignorant psychonut attitude that has rubbed off on her daughter, Jasmine. It was very recently at a party, where my grandmother turned down the volume of some music because she knew it was too loud for next door neighbors. But Annette decided to turn the music back up anyway just to be a fucking asshole. She too hates me and who I am deep down inside, and I didn't appreicate the way she was acting towards Mike at CiCi's ether. Mike can be gullible to these little hints of racism, but I was slightly upset at the way she was talking to him as if he was suppose to know that his 'dumb white ass' knew she was my cousin. Now she has some guy that wants to settle down and marry her, but what is she doing in response....saying no because guess what...she wants to party too!!

- Finally my 2nd oldest sister, Barbara. Now she has 110% NO psudeo-sluttiness in her whatsoever, so thank god for that. Unlike the other two, she has a job....three boys to raise...and a wonderful house. But she can also be a really big idiot. There's been items stolen from her house, and I dunno what she tells her three boys...but they seem to be falling into some of that idiotic thinking of hers. She kinda accepts me as I am, but she doesn't like having to live with the fact that her younger brother isn't like a...'brotha'. Now she has some older guy wanting to settle down with her, but for some stupid reason...she rejects him!!


Why am I telling you about all three and bringing up their relationship issues? Because I seem to be the only one my grandmother talks to that DOES want to settle down, yet i'm the one not getting the same luck as they are. How is it that those three...who are all dissapointing in their own ways to my grandmother...is able to have members of the opposite sex successfully in their lifes and have children and such, when I've had nothing but the worst luck (and one near cheating mistake) I could ever have in relationships??

Am I not getting out much (which is what I haven't done in the past 2 weeks)? Is it really my communication skills? Is it that I am not a good talker? Is it that I can't hold a conversation on anything not involving any social, political, or one of my interests/likes/dislikes?? Do I always happen to be in the right place but wrong time? Is it the fact that I'm not a wild party/nightclub person? Or is it the downright racial biased bullshit that i'm not acting 'black'?

Look always keep in mind that I don't give a damn about race or wether she's chubby or if her views are different than mine. I only want to be with that one girl and only that one girl forever!! I am looking for that girl with a good heart, with alot of class and decency, who will give up the wild parties and the nightclubs (hell even smoking!), who doesn't do drugs, who isn't an ignorant racially biased lady, and a female who is open to who I am as an indiviual.

I believe she will be found. It's only a question of who she is, where this will take place, and when.

And wow....i'm typing all this despite being up past 2am and I'm fighting this stupid illness!!